Does Chronic Illness Cause Grief?

Does Chronic Illness Cause Grief

Yes! Nothing could have prepared me for the downward spiral of grief that overwhelmed me. Not too long ago, I had the pity party of all pity parties. These pity parties were the place where chronic illness and grief collide. I felt stripped of everything. Lyme disease took something from every aspect of my life.

For a time, my eyes did not allow me to read. The words in paragraph form would float around and merge. I could not drive because I saw phantom images that caused me to react, and I feared swerving and hitting someone. With the nerve problems in my legs, I could not guarantee they would respond for me to hit the break in an emergency.

Heat and aerobic exercise caused my symptoms to flare. Even getting in the shower with water hotter than expected could make or break a day. My stamina was so low I could not do much without taking a break. I could not make plans because I didn’t know how I would feel. It changed by the minute. I could only do one or two things per day, so I have to consider what is most important.

There is a great “Spoon Theory” about this. I encourage you to read it if you know anyone with chronic illness.

Grief And Chronic Illness

Before Lyme Disease, I never understood how much grief and chronic illness collide. You lose who you are. There are some things I loved to do that I don’t know if I will ever be able to do again, for example, running.

As you can see, I deserved a good pity party. Two months ago I had the pity party of all pity parties. I had gone to get an infusion of IV antibiotics. While I was sitting in the recliner on the other side of the wall, I could hear the nurses talking. One young nurse went on the entire session about running. She was supposed to go on a run after work with a friend, and was trying to come up with a good reason not to go. She spent thirty minutes negotiating with herself. I just wanted to scream, “Go do it! You never know when it might all be taken away.”

But God

I said nothing, but it sent me into a week of an emotional mess. I cried and grieved over all my losses. During that week, I was telling God that everything had changed, to please show me something in my life that has not changed. As clear as day He said, “I have not.”

I had been so caught up in my pain that I had not seen how true this was. Jesus has been my everything. As Joni Erickson Tada said in a podcast, I listened to, “No one will ever understand the physical and emotional pain you are going through, but He does. There is a point where it is just you and Him.”

"No one will ever understand the physical and emotional pain you are going through, but He does. There is a point where it is just you and Him." ~Joni Erickson Tada Share on X

This statement was so impactful. No matter how hard others try to understand, they can’t. And that is ok because Jesus does. A friend has been teaching me to see Jesus in everything. In the good and the hard moments, I ask Jesus to show me where He is. In the pain, I always see Him right next to me. He might be hugging me, holding my hand, or sometimes I can see my pain in His eyes. The peace and comfort I experience from this form of prayer are beautiful.

God Spoke

Towards the end of the week, my heart had changed somewhat. I am learning to lean more and more on Jesus for strength and to be ok with where I am. Then I hit another weak moment, and I said to God, “I just want to be who I was, I am just a shell of who I was just six months ago,” again, clearly God spoke and said, “But that is not who I want you to be.”

I wish I could say the grieving stopped right then and there. It did not, but it has gotten better. Change is always hard. If I had not gone on my trip to the middle east, I would not have been able to handle this disease as I have. While there, God changed my perspective. When challenges come my way instead of asking, “Why God?” It has changed to, “Ok God, what are we going to do with this?” I can only explain this as a supernatural change in my thinking.

Seeing Jesus In Everything

I do not write all of this for you to join me in the pity parties. That would not help. I write to encourage you to see Jesus in everything. We all have pain in some form, and it can be intense. I would love you to experiment today. Ask Jesus to show you where He is in your pain. If you don’t see Him, that is ok. Keep asking. If you see Him, I would love to hear from you. You can share in the comments or email me using the contact page.